


The Beginning of the End

by em_ma



Category: Actor RPF, The Hobbit - All Media Types, The Hobbit RPF
Genre: Arguing, Diary/Journal, Established Relationship, Fluff and Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-05
Updated: 2015-11-05
Packaged: 2018-04-30 03:28:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,159
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5148596
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/em_ma/pseuds/em_ma
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Lee and Richard argue. Some fluff and drama.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Beginning of the End

“How about I just read the beginning?” Richard asked as he reached down to retrieve Lee’s journal from beneath the coffee table where it had fallen.

“How about hell no?” Lee answered, flopping down onto the sofa beside Richard and grabbing the remote.

“Come on, the beginning is probably just your childhood. _Tales from the barn_ , right?” he said in a strangely sinister Southern drawl.

“Rude, you know I didn’t grow up in a barn.”

“But it does date back 36 years?” Richard asked teasingly, weighing the thick, leather-bound book in the palms of hands. He had never let go of an opportunity to make fun of Lee’s religious devotion to journaling.

“Yeah, I was an infant when I wrote those first entries,” Lee deadpanned, grabbing the journal out of Richard’s hands. “In fact, my first ever written words were ‘dear diary’, not my own name as one might think.”

“Oh, so it _is_ a diary?,” Richard said with a smirk.

“No, it’s a journal now. I transitioned from having a diary to having a journal circa the teen years when my own little sister would have handed me my ass for having a diary.”

“Well, I don’t think there’s a difference, but whatever you want to tell yourself”

“The difference is I am not a pre-teen girl anymore, Rich.”

Richard chuckled. “No. No, you are not. You have much more interesting, adult-themed topics to write about now...like my fine self. You do write about me?”

“Obviously.” Lee felt like this was the hundredth time he had answered a variation of this question from Richard. He was both amused and annoyed by Richard’s fascination with this mundane habit.

“Are there sexy sex stories in there?”

“Oh yeah…lots of them, pages upon pages…and, uh, drawings too,” Lee lied.

“How about I just read one of the sexy entries?”

“Absolutely not,” Lee said flatly but Richard could detect the hint of a smile on his lips.

“Just one?”

“No.”

Richard repositioned himself on the sofa so he was facing Lee now. “Listen,” he said in a serious voice, “I’ll be honest.  I actually already read your journal.”

“Psh,” Lee answered, his eyes not moving from the TV screen which featured puppies wrestling on the grass before he changed the channel. He knew that Richard would not violate the unspoken rule that his journal was off limits.

“I did. I’m sorry. I gave in. I read it last night. I think we need to discuss some things.”

“Oh, yeah? What do you want to discuss?”

“I, um, we need to discuss what you wrote in your journal, specifically…entry 16…from March,” Richard answered cluelessly.

“Oh…” Lee raised an amused eyebrow and turned his head towards Richard. “That was a particularly spicy entry. Did I do you justice in that one?”

“I can’t remember, I’ll need to look at it again to…you know, point out my specific concerns,” Richard said as he reached out to grab the journal from Lee’s lap.

Lee laughed. “Yeah, nice try.  We wouldn’t be having this conversation if you actually read it.”

“…Why?” Richard asked. “Would I have broken up with you if I had read it? Would I be dead? Would your journal have sucked me into its pages and I’d have to live amongst your disturbed thoughts and memories and amateur poetry until the end of all time??”

“You’re such a dick, Richard,” Lee laughed and punched him on the shoulder.

“Because that sounds like the life I’m already living,” Richard added and then flinched. Lee pretended to slap Richard, who grabbed his wrist and tried to pull Lee down onto himself, but Lee resisted. “You’re not really helping your case,” Lee said between breaths. After a few seconds of struggle, Lee managed to squirm out of Richard’s grasp, both of them breathless and laughing. The journal had fallen to the floor, open to a page with a colored drawing. Richard stopped moving and tilted his head to work out what he was seeing. From his angle, Lee’s drawing looked like a bird in flight.  Untangling himself from Richard, Lee quickly sat up and scooped up his journal. Clutching the book to his chest, he sat back and pushed himself deeper into the cushion of the sofa so he was partially obscured from Richard’s view.  

“What was that? That drawing.”

“It’s nothing.”

Richard sat up and moved so he could get a better look at Lee, to close some of the distance between them, to examine him with a tender curiosity. Lee’s eyes looked straight ahead, fixed on the TV, his face unreadable. Richard felt this situation was symbolic of their entire relationship -- himself always peering through a misted window, only catching glimpses of that rich inner world Lee lived a separate and private life in, just beyond his reach.  

“Can I see that bird picture you drew? I won’t judge you for having colored it,” Richard said, revealing the judgment had already been made.

“I didn’t color it,” Lee said, indignant.

“Please.  It looked really good. I mean, I’m a little disappointed it’s not a naked drawing of myself but…” he sighed. “I supposed I could accept a naked drawing of a bird.”

Lee rolled his eyes and shook his head. Richard badgered Lee some more about the drawing he had seen but eventually recognized defeat and reverted back to requesting written content.

“How about you read it to me? Would that make it better? That way you can censor yourself.”

“There isn’t anything to censor. It’s just my boring thoughts. There is literally nothing exciting or new in here that you don’t already know.”

“I think there is.”

“Well, there’s not. I’m telling you.”

“Then why can’t I read it?”

“You keep asking but you haven’t presented a single good reason why I should let you.”

Richard sighed. He thought he had never known someone more stubborn than Lee.

“Because…I just want to know what’s going on in that head of yours sometimes, you strange creature.” Richard moved his hand up to the head in reference and gently pushed back some of the hair from Lee’s temple, tucking it behind his ear.  “It’s a piece to the puzzle I’m still trying to solve.”

“What puzzle?“ Lee asked, eyes moving to meet Richard’s.

“The Lee puzzle. The Lee mystery.”

“Why do you keep saying that? There is no mystery. You’ve already solved it. What more could you possibly want? You already know everything about me there is to know.” His eyes moved from Richard  back to the TV, his brow furrowed. Something in the playful mood of their conversation had changed.

“I don’t think that’s true,” Richard said, his voice measured and careful. It wasn’t just about the journal and they both knew it.

“Maybe I need certain things to belong to me and nobody else. That’s just how I am. That’s how you are too. If you had a journal, would you let me read it?”

“At this point in our relationship, yes, absolutely.”

Lee opened his mouth to say something but then stopped and shook his head.

“I don’t think _that’s_ true,” he said finally. Lee didn’t understand why he suddenly felt so angry. Richard pretended to take an interest in the TV program they were watching and didn’t respond, angering Lee further. He changed the channel.

“I have a right to privacy, you know, even in a relationship. You need to respect that. And I would have shown you my drawings at some point if you hadn’t _demanded_ to see them. Now, I don’t think I will,” Lee said, afraid that his voice would shake.

“No, you wouldn’t have ever shown them to me. In all the time we’ve been together, you’ve never even mentioned them. You’re just saying that to spite me. And I wouldn’t ask to read your damn journal if you would just be more open with me to begin with,” Richard responded, his voice calm and casual as if he was merely commenting on the program they were watching.

Lee could feel the blood pounding in his ears. He was afraid to reply, afraid of what he might say. In all his life, he had never encountered a person able to stir his emotions as effectively as Richard was.

They watched a news program in silence, neither of them able to fully absorb what they saw or heard.  There were several inches separating their bodies, inches that stretched like miles. Staring straight ahead, Richard remained in Lee’s peripheral vision and Lee felt he could almost predict every small movement Richard made – a blink, a sigh, the unconscious clenching of a fist – as if they shared the same body…and yet when it came to their minds, there was a disconnect so profound they might have been of two different species.  Lee could see the reflection of Richard’s expressionless face whenever the TV screen darkened.  How strange it was, Lee thought, that for all Richard’s accusations, Lee often believed him guilty of the same fault. To Lee, Richard could be equally impenetrable.    

Lee felt like a child when it came to handling conflicts and hated himself for it. All he knew was that If he didn’t make an attempt to resolve this now, the coldness between them could linger for days…or maybe linger permanently, adding to the chill that was slowly turning  their private world into an arctic circle. But why was it always he who had to make the first move, he who had to compromise? Lee thought he had never known someone more stubborn than Richard.

“You can read it when I die. How does that sound?” Lee said a few minutes later, half-joking. He hesitated before moving his hand to touch Richard’s as if to finalize his empty peace offering.

From the corner of his eye, Richard could see Lee pause before reaching his hand out. He thought it strange, suspect even, how much uncertainty there was in Lee’s gestures towards him. This hurt more than he would ever acknowledge.  He looked down at their touching hands and then up at Lee’s face which, to him, looked hopeful and slightly relieved.  With a few choice words or even a single movement, Richard knew he could erase that hopeful look, perhaps forever. How empowering this knowledge was; to hold such sway over the fragile well-being of another’s heart. The damage he could do in return. He thought for a moment that Lee deserved it and then immediately hated himself.

 “But then I won’t have a chance to tease you about it,” Richard said, sadly. And just like that, the frost in the air between them seemed to clear.

Lee smiled. “Find me in another life then.”

“I’m going to find the most cringe-worthy journal quote and put it on your tombstone.”

Lee laughed, surprised at how easy it was. By some good fortune, of which he was skeptic, conflict had been averted for now.   “What do you think that quote would be?” he asked.

“I don’t know. You won’t let me read it. Do you write poetry in there? If so – “

“You’re a bastard,” Lee cut him off, still smiling.

“– I imagine the pickings will be aplenty,” Richard continued.

 “Actually, don’t read my journal after I die. I’d like to be buried with it. I need it for ghost journaling.”

“Nope, too late. You already said I could “

“If you read it, I will come back to haunt you.”

“That sounds hot. You can spoon me as I make pottery.”

“No, I’m not gonna be a sexy ghost. I’ll be a really evil fucking ghost. You’ll see. I’ll do all sorts of crazy, evil shit like...hide this remote from you!”

Richard laughed.

“And drink all your alcohol.”

Richard’s eyes widened in mock concern. “Not the alcohol. Have mercy. What did the alcohol ever do to you?”

“I’m gonna glide through the living room wall right when you’re watching a scary movie.”

“Oh, really?”

 “Yeah, and I’m gonna change your Netflix password constantly!”

“Oh, dear.”

“I’m gonna take the bookmarks out of all the books you are reading.”

“I’m glad these threats have deescalated since the alcohol drinking.”

“I’m basically going to ruin your life,” Lee said seriously.

“Sounds like it. Other than you, alcohol and Netflix are the only things I have going for me, right?”

Lee laughed, his laugh as rich and deep as his voice. Richard reached out to pull him closer, his own peace offering. Lee hesitated and then he gave in.

Years later, both men would think back to this unresolved argument, the beginning of a series of conflicts that marked the turning point in their great, doomed relationship. Lee would remember how much of himself he had given, how much he had compromised, how he would never do so again. Richard, who really was haunted in a way, would only remember that Lee hesitated.  

**Author's Note:**

> First time posting. Looking for feedback. Thanks y'all


End file.
